LNews: Humor

Nice pair of boobies, eh?

2009-06-01T17:36:00.000-07:00

You can tell they're natural because one is slightly larger than the other.

Wanda Sykes Slays 'Em At The White House

2009-05-11T13:10:00.000-07:00

Give her an inch, and she'll keep you laughing the whole mile. Wanda Sykes is now the first out lesbian to perform at a White House Press Correspondents Dinner, and we're glad she's family. A really, really funny member of the family. Catch the whole performance here.

Thank You For Your Support

2009-05-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

And the highly humorous computer animated "science" behind the "Bounce-O-Meter" section that lets you create a prototype and see it in action on this sports bra ad. Boobies. Heh.

Sing It With Us! "F-U"

2009-05-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

Portia De Rossi Apologizes to Prop 8 Supporters

2009-05-11T13:04:00.001-07:00

Tasteful Giving: More Gifts to Make Her Day

2009-05-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

Why wait for a special occasion to get your sweetie a little something? Make any day a holiday with some of these lovely prezzies!

If she's trying to quit smoking, she'll need something to satisfy that oral fixation. Why not try a pacifier? Besides, this one lights up!

Tired of trying to find your way around in the dark? Here's another light up giftie, and it's something she can wear proudly under even the stuffiest of Power Lesbian biz suits.

Maybe she wants a little lesbian of her own to play with? Perhaps her Barbie Townhouse is not complete without a sexy housebutch? She needs a Bobbie Doll!

Or you may be that couple that insists on "handmade, personal gifts" only. Well, you can't get more handmade or personal than these. Besides, you know that damn thing's just been gathering dust since you bought it at the yard sale three years ago.

What New Year's Resolution? It's Snack Time!

2009-03-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

You May Have Given the Wrong Valentine's Day Gift

2009-02-24T22:33:00.001-08:00

Have you noticed a distinct lackanookie in your household since February 14th? It may be due to the totally inappropriate gift you gave your sweetheart for Valentine's Day.

Sure, she was nice about it and all, but the Slot Machine of Love has not been spewing quarters at you lately, and these gifts might be why. Here's what your inappropriate gift says about you:

Chastity Belt with GPS Tracking: This says you're the "Stalkery Type" who won't take "I'm at my Mom's house, helping her deal with the side effects of chemo, dammit!" for an answer. You want to know exactly where she and her cooze are at all times. It's a little too...clingy. Might want to trade that in for something less... scary. Your parole officer would agree.

The Chocolate Scale: Oh, it's not a scale to weigh your chocolate. It's a scale she can weigh her fat ass on every day of her life until she loses that extra weight she picked up at Mich Fest, isn't it? Or maybe it'll remind her of all those calories she ingested every time she took a bite of that funnel cake at the last Pride while your svelte vegan ass was starving for anything that wasn't guaranteed to be animal product-free? Nice going, moron.

Elephant Poo Paper Roses: Just because she drives a Prius doesn't mean she's going to go all green-gaga over this 'earth-friendly' gift. For gawd's sake, you just literally gave her sh*t for Valentine's Day! Because it was classier than giving her an "I Luv U" message made of fake dog crap?
What a charmer you are. Not. Totally not.

The Kiss-O-Meter: Remember those old carnival/arcade thingies where you grabbed some handle that'd tell you (in red flashing lights, no less!) what a good kisser you were? Well, this ain't it. The Kiss-O-Meter is a personal halitosis warning system so you don't accidentally inflict your stinking breath on a kiss you're aiming at some one. This sends a message, alrighty.

The TwoDaLoo: Sure, she'd love to have a really unique iPod docking station with a built in LCD tv, but this isn't it. In fact, this is right up there with the Uhaul you showed up with on your second date. It's too much togetherness. Way too much.

Oh we could go on for days, but you've probably already received something oddly inappropriate for VD. Feel free to dish the dirt on that horrendous gift, with complete anonymity, in the comments.

Post Valentine's Day Thoughts: Things That Suck About Being Single

2009-02-17T18:46:00.000-08:00

When we first stumbled on this list, we (who cannot legally be married to the person of our choice unless we live in Massachusetts or Connecticut), we immediately realized that it's not about being single as much as it is about:

"What Sucks About Being Unable to Get Married (if that's what you want)"

Marketing 101: Get Their Attention

2009-02-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

Remember that Pets.com site where you could buy all kinds of pet stuff online and have it delivered to your door? And how it went under quickly when people realized it cost $50 to ship a $25 bag of dog food? Yeah. It's now a bland, generic pet info site owned by PetSmart.

So anyway, brick and mortar pet stores are still around, and competing for business just like everybody else. But we're willing to bet you haven't seen your local pet store advertising like this bunch does in Australia, in a NSFW kinda way.

Catfights and Cologne

2009-02-17T18:31:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what a perfume commercial would look like if Roman Polanski directed it? And it featured a catfight between Natalie Portman and Michelle Williams? After they'd cuddled a bit in a non-vaguely lesbianific way?

We smelled humor. Now you can smell "Greed. By Francesco Vezzoli."

Missed Valentine's Day?

2009-02-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

Don't sweat it! Besides, everything's on sale now! And you can come up with an excuse to buy her something intimate like this, right?

Long Island Lesbian

2009-02-05T20:14:00.000-08:00

Drakkar Noir!

Wonder Woman's Kink

2009-02-05T20:05:00.000-08:00

Okay, so she's got that golden lasso thing. But she's apparently more interesting in being tied up than using that golden lasso on anybody else. Behold: more Wonder Woman in Bondage.

Truck Chicks and Tractor Chicks

2009-02-05T20:01:00.000-08:00

From the delightful MarriedToTheSea.com, which isn't a lesbian site, but will definitely appeal to anyone in the graphic/advertising arts.

Varla Jean's Schoolhouse Rock Medley

2009-02-05T19:59:00.000-08:00

Just keep the "Interjections" sequence in your head and you'll make it though the workweek just fine!

Gifts for the Breast Fetishist In Your Life

2009-02-01T12:36:00.000-08:00

For the discerning friend who can't get enough of the chesty stuff, comes this clever list of boobie-related merchandise. And by "discerning," we mean "has the maturity level of a 14-year-old boi." Egg-citing stuff, indeed.

Interviews With My Next Girlfriend

2009-02-01T12:31:00.000-08:00

Winner of "Best Comedy" in the PlanetOut.com/HBO Short Movie Awards. This short appears on the "Watching You" DVD, a collection of lesbian short films.

You've Only Got One So Be Nice to It!

2009-02-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

Yet another hilarious commercial that would never get airplay in the States.

3Way: The Hottest Lesbian Comedy NOT on TV

2009-01-12T20:03:00.000-08:00

Newly-divorced (and straight) Siobhan has just moved in with her lesbian best friend, Roxie. Siobhan's blissfully preparing herself for a new life, "a new, tranquil, drama-free life!"

But before she can swallow her morning bourbon chai, Roxie's new girlfriend -- and ex-girlfriend -- join the household, and all bets on tranquility are off.

Welcome to the world of 3Way!

(Bonus: hilarious outtakes during the credits!)

Resolution: Get That Butt in Shape for 2009!

2009-01-02T17:35:00.000-08:00

These glutes were made for walkin', baby.

New Movie: Lesbian Vampire Killers

2009-01-02T17:31:00.001-08:00

Why wait for Halloween, when you could have "Shaun of the Dead" (but with boobies) right now? From the previews, we're expecting loads of cheesy hilariousness! Check out the promo for "Lesbian Vampire Killers"

Gay Scientists Isolate the Christian Gene

2009-01-02T17:29:00.000-08:00

Match.com commercial: "Instinct"

2008-12-22T21:53:00.001-08:00

The Big Beautiful Wonder Woman Blog

2008-12-14T10:38:00.000-08:00

Like your Amazon Princesses with more meat on their bones and some junk in the trunk? Check out this collection of fan-drawn curvacious Wonder Woman art, some of whom are quite hot -- and some who are downright hilarious.

New Gizmo Really Makes a Splash!

2008-12-14T10:34:00.000-08:00

Neutrogena Coin Slot Cream

2008-12-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

One time at cheerleader camp...

2008-12-14T10:27:00.000-08:00

Yee haw

2008-11-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

My Mom Thinks I'm a Lesbian

2008-11-01T10:01:00.000-07:00

Two Girls, One Mouthharp

2008-11-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

Election 2008: The real Republican campaign ad

2008-10-07T19:05:00.000-07:00

[Editor's Note: Seriously, this was my first thought when the Repubs veep candidate was brought out. So I photoshopped 'em a new campaign ad. Feel free to spread it around if you like.]

Lesbian Movie

2008-10-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

Sure it's an ad for some website, but it's worth the watch. A real, heart-felt tear jerker. Must be the soundtrack.

Breakfast: Most Important Meal of the Day

2008-10-07T18:54:00.000-07:00

Just coffee and toast for me. Extra butter. Heh.

It's an LNews Linkapalooza!

2008-09-22T09:48:00.000-07:00

Just got back from vacation with a suitcase full of T-shirts and shotglasses, none of them tasteful. And of course, there's plenty of tasteless humor links for you, gathered from the fringes of the intarwebs. Behold!

Lesbian: The Uncyclopedia definition

Ever toyed with the idea of sculpting your shrubbery, but didn't want to end up with a badly-scratched muffin? Here's a site that lets you practice hedge-trimming safely -- and you can save your art and email it to your beloved.

Tired of knitting sweaters for your loved ones? Think outside the box and make a really different tissue cozy.

Four women share a magical bra that leads them on a voyage of self-discovery.

Crap up your MySpace page with graphics from the "What Kind of Lesbian Are You?" quiz

Lauren Flan at Amsterdam Gay Pride, Pt 2

2008-09-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

Origami Lesson: Make Your Own Hoo-Hoo

2008-09-08T15:03:00.000-07:00

The Lesbian Game: Part Two

2008-08-16T16:05:00.000-07:00

RVS: Restless Vagina Syndrome

2008-08-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

The Lesbian Game: A Word Quiz

2008-08-08T21:47:00.000-07:00

A cute with an adorable accent and a passion for words explores the origins of the word "lesbian."

To Hell With Guitar Hero

2008-07-29T17:25:00.000-07:00

Oh sure, you can shred and wail. Blah. Blah. Blah. But c'mon. You're not gonna be in a band. You may, however, find yourself faced with something that requires helluva lot more expertise -- and a bigger payoff. Forget Guitar Hero. Meet Vagina Hero! Note: The control unit is very complicated, but you expected that, didn't you?

Amsterdam Pride: Best Reporting Evar!

2008-07-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

Funny -- And With Great Legs, Too!

2008-06-30T17:22:00.000-07:00

Who doesn't love a nice set of gams? This gang of Russian office gals sets the standard for synchronized office swimming to a bouncy little tune. Look out for sharks!

Is it Harvest Time Yet?

2008-06-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

Plus, it has the Pedo Bear seal of approval!

Be Ready for Worldwide Pride!

2008-06-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

How to say "I'm a Lesbian" in a variety of different languages, including Klingon.

Afrikaans: Ek is lesbies.
Albanian: Jam lesbike.
Basque: Lesbiana naiz.
Bulgarian: Az sym lezbijka.
Catalan: Sóc lesbiana.
Chinese, Mandarin: tóng xìng liàn.
Croatian: Ja sam lezbijka.
Dutch: Ik ben lesbies or Ik ben lesbisch.
Esperanto: Mi estas lesbanino.
Estonian: Olen lesbi.
Finnish: Mä oon lesbo. (colloquial)
Minä olen lesbolainen. (formal)
Franglaish: Mé e lesbien.
French: Je suis lesbienne.
German: Ich bin lesbisch.
Greek, Modern: Eimai lesvia.
Hebrew: Ani lesbit.
Hungarian: Leszbikus vagyok.
Icelandic: Ég er lesbía.
Indonesian: Saya lesbi.
Irish: Is leispiach mé.
Japanese: Watashi wa rezu yo.
Klingon: be'pu' vIparHa'
Korean: Chon lesbian indaeyo. (colloquial)
Chonin lesbian imnida. (formal)
Latin: Tribas sum.
Lojban: .i mi mitpavycinglenim
Malay: Awak lesbian.
Norwegian, Bokmål: Jeg er lesbisk.
Norwegian, Nynorsk: Eg er lesbisk.
Polish: Jestem lesbijkÄ.
Portuguese: Eu sou lésbica.
Romanian: Sunt lesbianã. Sunt lesbi.
Russian: Ya lezbiyanka.
Scots Gaelic: Is leisbeach a th' annam.
Spanish: Soy lesbiana.
Swahili: Mimi ni msagaji.
Swedish: Jag är lesbisk.
Tagalog: Tomboy ako.
Thai: Di chan phen lesbian.
Toki Pona: mi olin e meli.
Turkish: Ben lezbiyenim.
Welsh: Dw i'n hoyw.

Why I Like Being a Lesbian

2008-06-01T12:21:00.000-07:00

Link After doing time in a straight marriage, Julie Phineas is now happily coupled with a woman -- and loving it! She's compiled a great list of the benefits of being a lesbian, one of which is the joy of sharing: "For example say I am tired of the scent of my body spray… I still have her collection of body sprays to choose from! We can choose from each others hair accessories, lotions, jewelry, and sometimes clothes and shoes fit the both of us and we can share. This did not happen when I was in a straight marriage!"

For Tough Grrls Only

2008-05-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

And they're on sale!

The P-P-Pickup: A Penguin Love Story

2008-05-03T11:31:00.000-07:00

Wow. That's Some Lube!

2008-04-21T17:50:00.000-07:00

Candy So Rude We Won't Show a Pic

2008-04-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

Actually, we're just laughing too hard to post a pic of theselascivious lollies. Perfect for refreshing your memory or stepping up your recruiting efforts at the grade school level.

Haunted Lesbian Sorority

2008-04-06T12:19:00.000-07:00

Link Two meddlesome ghosts try to get the hot chick residents to engage in grrl-grrl action. Sarah Silverman, Jack Black and Conan O'Brien had a hand in this hiliarous video and it shows!

So This Explains Why They Try...

2008-03-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

Create a Desktop Strip Club!

2008-03-16T15:11:00.000-07:00

Living in a titty-bar-less town? Too much testosterone floating around the local men's club? Make your own naughty grrlie bar with a USB-powered pole dancer! Already banned from exclusive stores in the UK, you can Google up more than a few websites selling this tacky little gem.

Sims In Love: The Lesbian Version

2008-03-10T19:28:00.000-07:00

Vintage Wit: Discovery...

2008-02-25T20:03:00.000-08:00

Marga Gomez on The L Word & Papi's Un-Butchness

2008-02-18T16:28:00.000-08:00

It's Never Too Late to Send Your Love - Cheap.

2008-02-12T23:49:00.000-08:00

Make your own and email your amor at the link below: http://www.bureauofcommunication.com/compose/romanticintent

Valentine's Day: It's Like a Box of Chocolates

2008-02-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

We've featured an ad here for "Vulva" cologne, but it you want to smell like a specific woman's vaginal area, there's always Rosie O'Donnell and her signature scent. Check it out -- before Rosie and her lawyers find it!

Feeling down on your cash, but still want to get your love across? Send her a candy heart with your personalized message.

Rolling in the dough and want to give a creative gift? InventorSpot has a lovely list of Unusual Gifts for Valentine's Day You might wanna reconsider their first choice, though. That's too much togetherness.

Dating an overly-cerebral chick? Woo her the complicated way by sending her Scientific American's overly-detailed analysis of Why We Kiss. And then click on the new LNews Erotica link.

Alone for Valentine's Day? Hah! Not in the Age of the Internet. Just pick your favorite babe from the stable, dress her up in lingerie and have her model it for you atKnickerpicker. You'll like the "Come Closer" mode. We promise.

Vintage Wonder Woman Offers Food for Thought

2008-02-04T18:22:00.000-08:00

Gotta Love That Online Shopping

2008-01-28T18:18:00.000-08:00

That's Tellin' 'Em!

2008-01-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

Found this gem of a response on Best of Craigslist, where the "Women Seeking Women" ads are often plagued with guys hoping to set up a threesome.

Bi curious? I can help … - w4w

Looking for your first time? I'm a good looking, slim, blonde, femme lesbian and I'm ready to help! I'll even let your husband/boyfriend watch...

when my self esteem tanks to the extent that Im willing to bastardize my own soul and orientation, cheapen the most beautiful expression of love two people can share, scar my psyche, and exploit the community I hold dear. Yep, when that time comes Ill be totally ready to help you pathetic bored housewives explore your 'bi curious' side. I'll even get on board when you are not interested in pussy at all, but instead are attempting to display sexual open-mindedness in your sad attempt to hold on to the skank you call a man.

In the meantime, do you mind leaving me alone? You could start by staying off internet boards dedicated to women who love women. Oh, and do you mind not
showing up at my bars? You may have noticed how most gays welcome and enjoy our straight friends at gay clubs. They are the men and women included in our dances, drink-rounds, conversation, and laughter. You, in the corner, looking sleezy, we ignore. Make no mistake, you are not invisible, we see you, we know what you are trying to do. we are ignoring you. Sometimes the laughter is about you.

So, when I, or any other lesbian are ready, we'll let you know. Oh, and by the way, when that time comes, I hope you and your man are ready to get fisted
to my elbow because although I look like a lady, I'll take your tonsils out, the hard way.

• Location: San Diego

Bon Appetit

2008-01-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

Time for a Double-Take

2007-12-30T17:33:00.000-08:00

A Christmas Dissapointment

2007-12-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

If your high-maint femme wants cha-cha heels for Christmas, that's damn sure what you should have bought her! Or else!

A Very Merry Christmas, Indeed!

2007-12-23T11:40:00.000-08:00

Don't you love it when some website you've been trying to re-find forever suddenly comes into view? Here you are, grrlies: The Best Christmas Ad Evar And no, it's NSFW (Not Safe for Work) Ho, Ho Ho!

Just a quickie...

2007-12-11T19:55:00.000-08:00

A 14 year old lesbian walks into a whorehouse and says, “I want a woman to eat me.”

“I’m sorry” the madam responds, “we don’t serve lickers to minors”

The Best Gay and Lesbian Cartoons of 2007

2007-11-26T18:03:00.000-08:00

Best Gay And Lesbian Cartoons Of May, 2007 - Click here for more blooper videos

Strange Sisters: Delightfully Scandalous!

2007-11-19T14:14:00.000-08:00

Ah, the seedy underbelly of the literary world... What they didn't spend on plot and character development was poured onto the cover in lurid full color. And with scary fonts, no less. Behold a collection of Lesbian Pulp Fiction covers from the 50s and 60s that so deserves to be made into a line of fridge magnets and T-shirts.

Margaret Cho, Olivia Cruise Entertainer

2007-11-11T16:11:00.000-08:00

Is David Hasselhoff a Lesbian?

2007-11-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

No, but according to Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians he certainly does have that aging butch look about him.

Pikachu Has a Gender!

2007-10-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

When all that Pokemon crap was so popular with the kiddies, many of us assumed the characters were either male or asexual. Oh, how wrong we were! The proof is in the pictures!

Liven Up a Boring Saturday Night

2007-10-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

Nothing on the idiot box and you've got time to kill. Why not liven things up by starting your Christmas gift crafts early? With Match Your Snatch, you can give a personal gift they'll remember. Fridge magnets, anyone?

The Midwest Teen Sex Show

2007-10-08T18:14:00.000-07:00

Shocking as it may seem, teens in the breadbasket of the US are aware of s-e-x! And some of them have put together a truly hilarious collection of videos. The current episode is "Homosexuality: Part One"

Lesbian Comedy from Jody Ekert

2007-09-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

A Weapon of Mass Absorption Goes Lethal

2007-08-15T17:49:00.000-07:00

So there you are, in a dark alley... a menacing figure approaches. Darn! You've left the 357 in the lingerie chest at home. What's a grrl to do?

Why, whip out the Tampon Stun Gun and prepare to attack the attacker!

Sometimes Ya Gotta Kiss a Frog or Two...

2007-07-19T00:47:00.001-07:00

Sexiest Mousepads in Town!

2007-07-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

Surfing through the Craigslist hookup ads can be hard work, but there's no sense in suffering needlessly from the heartbreak of excessive wrist pain. Get yourself a Mousepad with Boobies to ward off that demon, carpel tunnel syndrome!

Lea DeLaria: The Secret of Youth

2007-07-09T15:03:00.000-07:00

Suzanne Westenoffer: Boy Cruises vs Grrl Cruises

2007-06-22T12:09:00.000-07:00

The hot and hilarious Suzanne outlines the differences between boat trips for gay boys and cruises for the girls -- and yes, there are plenty!

CompuBeaver: The Ultimate Lesbian Computer?

2007-06-18T14:42:00.000-07:00

Link Every now and then, we run across an absolutely brilliant art project and this one definitely qualifies, even though we haven't bothered to ask the artist if she's family or not. Hell, we snickered for a good 15 minutes over the name alone! It's a fully-functional PC built into a taxidermied beaver carcass, and the link above gives you step-by-step directions on how to build your own CompuBeaver!

So there's this dermatologist, ya see...

2007-06-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

And he goes in to work one day, and his first patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My boyfriend refuses to take off his letter sweater when we make love, and now I have this horrible rash." She takes off her shirt, and sure enough, there's a big red itchy rash in the form of an H on her chest.
The doctor says, "This is interesting, I've never seen anything quite like it before. I wonder why it occured in such an unusual shape."
"He goes to Harvard," she says.
"Ah, that would explain it," he says. He prescribes some calamine lotion and sends her on her way."
The next patient comes in and says, "Doctor, I hope you can help me with this rash. It's a little embarrassing, but it's driving me crazy."
She takes off her shirt, and displays a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of a Y. The doctor raises his eyebrows. "It's my boyfriend," she explains.
"He goes to Yale, and is so into his new letter sweater that he never takes it off, even when we're making love. Is there anything you can do?"
The doctor prescribes calamine lotion and sends patient number 2 on her way. The third patient comes in and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me!" She takes off her shirt, and there on her chest is a big, itchy, red rash in the shape of an M.
"Don't tell me," says the doctor. "Your boyfriend goes to MIT, and refuses to take off his letter sweater when you make love."
The patient looks at him with surprise. "Close," she says. "My girlfriend goes to Wellesley."

Good Spelling Is Important

2007-06-05T12:28:00.000-07:00

From a Craigslist ad in "Women Seeking Women":

"I love to try new things and enjoy eating out in restraints."

Quiz: Dog Toy or Love Utensil?

2007-05-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

How well do you know your tools? Can you tell the difference between a toy for your lover and a toy for your Labrador? Take the quiz and find out!

Top 10 Sex Toy Patents

2007-05-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

Link Necessity being the mother of invention, check these babies out -- and possibly kick yourself for not having invented them first!

The WordyGrrl Survey 2007

2007-05-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

The WordyGrrl Survey 2007

Movies
1) What movie do you recommend most to other people? Why?
2) If you could remake a movie, which would it be and what would you change?
3) "I am almost guaranteed to like any movie that includes ________" (Yo, fill in the blank.)

Music
1) What do most people not know about your musical tastes?
2) What CD (or tape or vinyl) would people be surprised to find in your collection?
3) And the one you play so often you had to buy a replacement?

Television
1) What show is your guilty pleasure?
2) "Lifetime" -- Television for Empowering Women or Television for Victims?
3) Ever watch a political debate so you can down a shot every time they say "for the children," "Freedom" or "Democracy?"

Grade School
1) Which of your school pics is the least flattering and why?
2) Any grade school crushes? Do tell!
3) Coolest project you ever made for a grade school class?

High School
1) Which crowd did you hang with?
2) If you attended a reunion, would you arrive in your own car or a rented limo packed with champagne, coke and high-dollar hookers?
3) What happened to your high school crush?

Post High School
1) Did you serve in the military? If so, what branch and what job?
2) Did you study quietly in college or were you one of those rowdy sorority girls?
3) Ever bag a sorority girl? A military babe?

Job Life
1) What was your first paying job?
2) What was the worst job? Like so bad you'd only wish it on an enemy?
3) Most ridiculous thing you've ever heard a boss say is: ______

Real Life Skills
1) Best prank you ever pulled is:
2) If you had to cook to impress a date, what would you make (yes, with your own two hands and all the appropriate kitchen things):
3) Auto maintenance: List your three rockin' skills:
4) Stupidest question you've ever been asked on a job interview:
5) What bad lessons has your pet taught you about life?
6) What's the one household chore you'd love to hire somebody else to do?
7) Best way to spend $5 is:
8) Best way to spend a totally slothful weekend is:
9) What website do you gleefully waste the most time on?
10) Which power tool or kitchen implement would we have to pry out of your cold, dead hands?
11) What question did this survey forget to ask?

What Type of Lesbian are YOU?

2007-05-07T12:59:00.001-07:00

You scored as The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke. You are the lesbian who can connect your vagina to nearly every object in the entire universe, creative and a little creepy you always astonish your friends.

The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke

65%

The Femme Fatale

50%

The Student Dyke

40%

The Granola Dyke

40%

The Pretty-Boi Dyke

35%

The Surprise! Dyke

35%

The Stud

35%

The Little-Boy Dyke

30%

The Sprightly Elfin Femme

30%

The Magic Earring Ken Dyke

25%

The Quasi-Gothic Femme

20%

The Bohemian Dyke

20%

The Hipster Dyke

What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.)
created with QuizFarm.com

The Girl Quiz: What's Your Type?

2007-04-27T11:48:00.000-07:00

Which GIRL is your type?

The Siren

hot. exotic looking. usually has one prominent feature. most commonly has medium - dark skin and hair. (Famous women who resemble this type: Penelope Cruz, Selma Hayek, Eva Longoria, Eva Mendes, Jennifer Lopez, Halle Berry)

Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

We Invented It!

2007-04-15T09:45:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought you might be a lazy homosexual. Turns out we invented the computer! Wow, we rock! For extra fun, how many dykey vibes do you get from the gal in this protest photo?

Whack Ass Advice: Paranoid About Packing

2007-04-08T13:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Wordy,

After a few months of really hot chat and devastatingly hot cyber and phone sex, my online babe and I are finally going to meet up in real life. To say that I’m looking forward to getting it on with this delightfully freaky woman is putting it mildly. If it’s a kink, she’s into it – which is exactly what I like in a woman!

Unfortunately I do have some worries about toys and tackle. With all the heightened security and baggage checks at the airport, I might be setting myself up for some major embarrassment. Any advice on how to avoid the horror of being singled out for ridicule by the Rent-A-Feds at the gate and still bring my toys with me?

--Have Toys, Will Travel

Dear Travel,

While we all understand the need for stringent security in the wake of the tragedy of 9-11, Ms Wordy joins you and many others in missing the days of the “friendly skies.” So many wonderful traditions are now lost for the foreseeable future – the teary-eyed farewells and joyful welcomes at the gate, the quickie in the ladies room with your girlfriend five minutes before last call for boarding, etc.

However, to deprive yourself of the potential delights of breaking out the love utensils for your paramour by leaving them at home would mean that the terrorists have won, so by all means pack those bags with all the gear your heart desires! You may choose to use a few wise options to “camouflage” these items, though.

· Never store your vibrators together in a bunch, such as in a small bag. Some, particularly the kind with fancy electronics, may cast a suspicious shadow on the X-ray machine. Keep them loose and fancy free. And for heavens sake, do remove the batteries. Nothing sparks curiosity like a buzzing, vibrating carry-on.
·

· Carrying a business card declaring yourself to be a urologist should handily explain why you’re toting a selection of mock penises, as well. This would also work for various types of rubber tubing, latex products and lube. Just be forewarned that you may be asked for medical advice. If so, keep your answers vague
· If questioned about the 25 feet of rope, leather restraints and riding crop, you might be headed for a rodeo. For the cat o' nine tails, you're on your own.
·

· Attaching an “Emergency Floatation Device” sticker on the package will reduce interest in blowup dolls rather quickly.
·

· Do pack the scented/heated/flavored/lickable massage oils in unbreakable bottles. It’s nearly impossible to get that crap out of a silk blouse.
·

· For another tack, load all your sex-related gear into the same bag and explain that it’s your “display case”. Have your business card ready, because you just might make a few sales while you’re waiting in line!

Good luck and happy traveling!

--WordyGrrl

Got issues? Problems? Questions that no sane advice columnist will answer? Send those complicated concerns to WordyGrrl for heart-felt, sincere answers to those troubling, nagging, itchy questions of yours.

Whack Ass Advice: Little Letters Mean So Much

2007-03-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Wordy,

After a long dry spell, I’m finally back on the dating scene and meeting new people, making new friends, etc. In fact, I’ve met a wonderful girl recently who’s really caught my attentions. We have lots of common interests and enjoy spending time together.

The only thing that concerns me though is that she’s mentioned that she’s into “S&M”. Not wanting to flaunt my ignorance, I just said “Oh, that’s cool!” and left it at that.

Can you shine a little light on this for me?

-- Acronymically Challenged

Dear Acro,

I have three little words for you: Run Like Hell! While some may beg to differ, “S&M” does, in fact, stand for “Sales and Marketing”. Your delightful new kitten is actually an oily weasel who enjoys conning people out of their money in exchange for what are usually shoddy products and services.

Sure, she's charming now, but it’s only a matter of time before she’s got a leash around your neck and has you cold-calling clients at 3 a.m. Then it's off to Step 2: wining and dining some sleazy prospect on the golf course or at the local titty bar just so she can snag that commission.

Sales and Marketing people are just plain evil. Period. Resist her tempting ways and get out while you can!

Good luck and be strong,

--WordyGrrl

P.S. Being into "S&M could also mean she likes a weird mix of Skittles and M&M candies mixed together, but that's odd enough in itself. Do you really want to be with someone who can't coordinate snacks? Didn't think so.

Got issues? Problems? Questions that no sane advice columnist will answer? Send those complicated concerns to WordyGrrl for heart-felt, sincere answers to those troubling, nagging, itchy questions of yours.

WhackAss Advice: Wantin' Fries With That Shake

2007-02-19T17:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Wordy,

I’m a manager at a fastfood joint (go ahead and laugh, but at least I’m employed) and there is one hot young employee that I'd love to make a Happy Meal out of, if you catch my drift. Sure she's only 17, but everytime I catch a glimpse of her perfect young butt in that polyester uniform my hormones start raging and it's all I can do not to ravish her in the walk-in cooler. She's flirted with me brazenly enough that she's made it clear she wants me, too. Should I cool my jets or get me some?

Wantin' Fries with that...

Dear Fries,

In today's economy, just having a job is a miracle in itself, so Miz Wordy would never be so crass as to mock your career field. Congrats on the management job, too! Now, on to your issue...

We all know that underage fast food employees have a vast range of legal options at their fingertips, so keep that in mind before you PIN HER TO THE WALL AND SCREW HER LUSCIOUS YOUNG BRAINS OUT. No relationship, casual or otherwise begins with a lawsuit in which you're made the villain for giving in to the urge to ROGER THAT LUSTY WENCH ON THOSE SACKS OF FROZEN FRIES AFTERHOURS.

Sure she's tempting and teasing and consenting, and begging for you two to GO AT IT LIKE SEX-CRAZED WEASELS. But until she's 18, you should refuse to GIVE IN TO CARNAL TEMPTATION AND DO HER. Under no circumstances, should you attempt anything that might get you throw into prison where you'd be unable to HAVE HOT WILD SEX WITH HER NOW.
I think I've made myself clear on that, eh?

--Wordy, who's had a few Whoppers in her time...

The Dildo Diaries

2007-01-29T16:25:00.000-08:00

Starring Molly Ivins, this short documentary explains the Texas Dildo Ban. Of course they do sell "instructional aids and educational models." Hilarious!

Whack Ass Advice: Nature Versus Nails

2007-01-14T10:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Wordy,

I’m in a new relationship with a really wonderful woman who’s just about the greatest thing I’ve run across in years. We truly enjoy each other’s company and we’re definitely a “friends first” thing. We’ve gotten past the early stages of “bein’ in lurve” and now we’re settling into the part about truly getting to know each other.

We have, however, some to some kind of brick wall on a couple of issues. Namely, she really needs to get rid of her long nails. Sure, they look nice, but hey—a grrl could hurt somebody with those, ya know? She has beautiful hands already and doesn’t need the claws.

Secondly, she’s been nagging me about shaving. I’m a natural kinda grrl who doesn’t believe in cutting off hair that the Goddess intended us to have. While she’s accepted my soft furry pits and downy legs, she still can’t handle the baby-soft hair on my back.

There’s gotta be a compromise in here somewhere. Any ideas?

--Tired of the Talons

Dear Talons,

First, I must congratulate you on your new relationship. Discovering ones lover is all part of the joy that makes life worth living, isn’t it? Extra kudos to you for being “friends first”, too!.

During the “getting to know you” phase, it’s inevitable that you’ll find some areas that need compromising and your situation is a good example. By resolving situations together, you’re building a history for your relationship that you can look back on fondly in later years.

As for her fingernails… Yeowtch! You’re absolutely right about that being a major lesbian safety hazard. Let her know your concerns, and remind her often how lovely her hands are regardless. You might even offer to trim and buff her nails as a gentle courtship “grooming” ritual.

Now for putting those hands of hers to work. Her reluctance to accept your back hair may simply be due to unfamiliarity. She just hasn’t had enough exposure to your silky strands. This is where time and tenderness come into play.

Ask her if she’d be up for giving you a gentle backrub to help unlock the stress of your day. Set the scene with candles, incense and soft music you both enjoy. Her new manicure (sans pointy claws) will allow her delicate fingers to slip easily through the peach fuzz on your back while allowing her to become more familiar with your body.

So enjoy your evening of tactile bonding and revel in all the ways you two can share your love for each other!

--WordyGrrl

P.S. To make her feel extra special and empowered, let her choose the lotion.

There's this dermatologist ya see...

2007-01-04T18:00:00.000-08:00

Whack Ass Advice: Handling the Hirsuit Honey

2006-12-26T18:12:00.000-08:00

Dear WordyGrrl,

I truly adore my girl, but lately her physical condition and refusal to change it has really been bothering me. She doesn't believe in shaving. At all.

I'm all for "keeping it real", but she's got a tremendously hairy back and my fingernails keep getting caught in it. And frankly, it's a bit of a turnoff. Any advice?

-- Hairy Mary's Grrl

Dear Mary's Grrl,

What an unusual question you've posed. Sure hope she wears a T-shirt at the beach before she's mistaken for Sasquatch and appears on the nightly news. But I digress.

Take heart, dear, and don't worry about nagging your girlfriend to compromise her beliefs about trimming off the fur. There are other ways far more pleasant for you to achieve the closeness you desire without the snags.

Discover the amazing powers of a depilatory (hair remover) lotion. Most are pleasantly scented, moisturizing and work in minutes!

Set a scene for intimacy: candles, incense, clean sheets for a change and this "great new massage lotion" you've just discovered. Wine her, dine her and roll her on her tummy for a soothing backrub. An intimate massage of 15 minutes or more -- with that hair remover lotion -- will leave her relaxed and render that forest of icky back fur as a distant memory.

Have fun with your slippery sweetie!

--WordyGrrl

Coming Out For Christmas

2006-12-18T18:08:00.000-08:00

(sung to the tune of "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing")

I intend to drop a bomb
On my dear old Dad and Mom.
For this year, without a doubt
Is the Christmas I come out.

First I`ll get their full attention.
Then slip in a subtle mention:
"Tasty turkey! Perfect Peas!
Could someone pass (I`m gay) the cheese?"
That should do the job okay
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Oh say can you see it now?
Watch my parents have a cow!
Or perhaps, if fate is kind
The'll insist that they don't mind.

Then they'll say "We always guessed.
After all, look how you're dressed.
Seven earrings in each ear.
We're not quite that dense, my dear."
They'll adore me anyway.
When I come out on Christmas Day.

Coming out to everyone
Makes the winter doldrums fun.
It's a noble thing to do.
Why don't you come on out too?

Make the choice! Damn consequence!
Lift your voice! Get off the fence!
Shout it from the highest roof --
Gay is great and you're the proof!

Make this Christmas bright and gay.
Come on out on Christmas Day!

Beware of the Drunks: A Save and Print Special

2006-12-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

After you and your pals have shut down the Lusty Lady Dyke Bar and Grill, do you often continue the party at your place? If so, this sign might be helpful in warding off lawsuits. Suitable for lamination, even.

Ooh! A Lesbian Quiz!

2006-11-27T18:40:00.000-08:00

Which Lesbian Stereotype Are You? You know you want to know. Just click it! Dare you to share your results in the comments section.

Look Out! Here Come the Lesbians!

2006-11-23T09:27:00.000-08:00

Cheesy 50s retro goodness from a pseudo-scientific "how to detect lesbians" documentary. Musicians, there's a lotta sound clips worth sampling in this one!

Stereotype Terminology Explained!

2006-11-14T18:28:00.000-08:00

The Babydyke:
# Could be any one of the following but aged from as young as it gets to 20.
# Most likely to say: “Age is just a number!”
# Least likely to say: "I remember this the first time around!”

The Old Skool:
# Usually in their thirties. They’ve been around the block more than they care to admit. They have all the wisdom and battle scars…and possibly issues to prove it. But respect is ALWAYS due.
# Most likely to say: “These babydykes don’t know they’re boooooorn”
# Least likely to say: “So I was in Toni & Guy at the weekend when......”

The Boi Dyke:
# The kind of girl you’re straight girlfriends tell you looks like a boy but secretly fantasise over. She has short very funky hair…possibly a Mohawk or spiky buzz cut and couldn’t tell an epilator from an eye pencil.
# Most likely to say: “Innit!”
# Least likely to say: “Oooh, could I borrow those sandals?"

The Butch:
# Usually found in the Old Skool category, but not always. Very macho. Tends to wear a lot of leather and the hair is short but not overly styled. If the hair is long, it’s unwashed and tied back with an elastic band. No pansy ass scrunchies round this lot. The type of woman who thinks Toni and Guy were 70’s porn stars.
# Most likely to say: “Grrrrrrrr…You lookin at my woman?”.
# Least likely to say: “Hmm, Campari and Soda for me please"

The Femme:
# She looks straight and she’ll stab you with her stiletto for saying so. A dying breed since the rise and fall of the lipstick lesbian, but certainly not dead. Usually found in clusters with their straight friends. Usually very assertive as they need to make all the moves. Many lesbians can’t spot them in their camouflage.
# Most likely to say: “Just because I don’t look like a man I get no attention!”
# Least likely to say: “I've never done this before.... (Oh, yes she has.)"

The Skater Chick:
# A modern day lesbo hybrid of BoiDyke and Femme. They're hot, but sadly, they are usually well aware of this fact. Easily identified by their trademark baggy denims..be they full length or cut off at the shins. Closely related to the ever so less popular surfer chick -- gone but not forgotten.
# Most likely to say: “…..” Nothing actually. Never heard one speak.

The Inbetweeny:
# You know who you are. Totally undefined. Every now and again you try out one of the above styles but you never quite fit in. You’re ambiguous and you like to think it’s because you’re all about content over style. You scoff at the others and they scoff right back. But we all bond at the holidays.
# Most likely to say: “I am not defined by a label!”
# Least likely to say: “Now THAT'S something I can identify with!”

The Dyke on a Bike:
# Now this really is a subculture of a subculture. The dyke on a bike can come from any of the stereo-dyke subgroups. However, it is good to be reminded that wherever you start off: riding around in leather with your thighs clamped to a two-wheeled rocket increases the butch levels dramatically. It all starts with the novelty moped, then the 125,then you wouldn’t be seen dead on anything but a Ducati 250. Then it’s Touring Class or no bike at all. Finally you have a Harley with your Femme girl's name airbrushed onto the tank.
# Most Likely To Say: ‘I wouldn’t be seen dead on anything but my Harley’
# Least Likely To Say: ‘Why don’t we take the bus?’